Shautey Bizness
Prologue
Long, long ago, before your time, child… our lovely world was filled with this stuff. It was a beautiful thing, this stuff. Blue as the sky, cold to the touch. The ripples it made when you threw a rock in…all of it gone. Now all we have are these lousy supplements. Just wish I could remember what the ripply stuff was called...
Chapter 1
Outside a Rest Home
“Billy!” a woman yelled, “Are you finished with Grandpa Bill?”
“Yeah, Mom,” replied a boy from the door of the rest home, who you, the reader, should presume to be Billy. “He was just rambling on about his government conspiracies again.”
“Oh, give him a break, honey. He’s old.”
“Alrighty, can we just head to McBlubba’s now?”
His mom sighed. “Okay, Billy.”
In The Car
Billy and his mom were listening to some music, when it suddenly fizzled out and a voice could be heard.
“Hello, people of Earth! It’s your favorite President, Shaun Blacksmith!” said Shaun Blacksmith. “I’ve been working to make our planet a better place. You may be wondering, ‘Gee, Mr. President. Shaun Inc. has made everything! How could they innovate any more?’ Well, I’m here to tell you about my newest invention. I call it… Shauter. Blue as the sky and cold to the touch, this glorious product has all the functions of a Shaun Supplement, but with added pleasure.”
“Huh, I swear I’ve heard something like that before,” Billy muttered.
“Shauter. It’s just better! Buy at your local retailer for only $79.95 a gallon.”
“Did you hear that Billy!?” Mom exclaimed. “That’s a bargain! We need to go get some right now!”
Shaunmart
People from everywhere were lined up to buy this new product. A small sample table, crowded with people, was set up near the cashier. Due to Billy’s small size, he was able to slip past everyone. What he saw there was unlike anything he had witnessed before. A bowl was filled with a substance that shimmered against the lights of the ceiling. Was this the Shauter? He reached out his hand to touch it, when…
“Hey kid! No hands in the Shauter!” yelled the man behind the counter. “Get outta here, see?” The man grabbed a tickle tazer and shot at Billy. Billy soared out the door.
A while later, Billy’s mom came marching out with a tub full of Shauter.
“Come on, honey!” she exclaimed. “Let’s get home so we can figure out what we’re supposed to do with this!”
“I was tazed by someone in there!” Billy yelled.
“Uh huh, that’s great sweetie. Now load this up!” Billy took hold of the tub and threw it into the backseat. “The things I have to do,” he thought.
At Home
“Alright. It says here you can eat it. Or go in it. Or rub it on yourself. Or stick it in -”
“Booooring. Mom, this is just another one of those ridiculous fads. It’ll be out of style in a month. And how can you be acting like this after I was TAZED?”
“C’mon, Billy. Have some enthusiasm for once!”
“UGH! You are TERRIBLE!” Billy yelled as he stormed out of the house.
Chapter 2
The Rest Home
Billy couldn’t take it. He decided that it would be best to calm down at the rest home and talk to Grandpa Bill. Billy walked up to Bill’s door and gave it a knock.
“Come in!” Bill yelled. Billy obliged. “Billy! Come give your grandpappy a hug!”
“Not now, gramps. I’m all depressed cuz Mom’s obsessed with this new ‘Shauter’ nonsense.”
“Shauter? What’s that?”
“Here, I’ll show you,” Billy said as he pulled up a video on his iShaun.
“Billy, that’s… oh my god… Billy, come with me.” Bill walked over to the closet in the corner of his room. He opened it and entered, beckoning Billy to follow.
“Um, no thanks,” Billy said in response.
“I’ve got peppermints in here,” Bill said back. That got Billy going. He rushed into the closet after Bill.
“Where are the mints?” Billy questioned. Bill did not respond. Instead, he pressed a button on the closet wall.
“LIFTOFF INITIATED,” a mechanical voice said as the closet began to shake. “5, 4 -”
“WHAT’S GOING ON?!” Billy yelled.
“- 2, 1, LIFTOFF.” At that moment, the closet began to lift off the ground. Billy was pinned to the floor, as the speed of the closet was too much for him to keep up with. After a couple minutes of this, Billy was able to get back up.
“GRAMPS! WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!”
“Look outside, child.” Billy took a look outside the door.
“WHOA!” Billy gasped. “How are we able to breath up in space? And how did we even get here?”
“This is my secret closet rocket. I call it the Clocket. It’s based off of a very, very old model called the Bizrocket.”
“Bizrocket? You just made that up!”
“No, Billy. Here, we’re about to land. I have much to show you.” The Clocket began to slow down as it approached a large asteroid. A giant hidden door opened on the asteroid’s surface that the ship descended into. Once inside, it landed in its small docking bay. The asteroid’s door closed behind it, as only the Clocket has the power to sustain life when one of its hatches are open.
“Come, child,” Bill said as he exited the ship.
“Grandpa, you got a lot of explaining to do! Where on Earth are we?”
“Nowhere on Earth, child. This is my top secret asteroid base.”
“Asteroid? Secret base? What do you need any of that for?”
“This is my ‘Conspiracy Comet’! I built it in secret with the money I acquired from my old recliner company, Bizco. I had it made in case Shaun tried anything! I completely forgot about it until you jogged my memory with that Shauter. Those Shaun Supplements must have erased everyone’s memories of water!”
“Well, what do you want me to do up here?”
“You must infiltrate the White House. I’ve got an experimental BizSerum up here that will help you. It’ll make you strong, but you’ll be unable to speak without rhyming.”
“Heh, you’re kidding, right?”
“Nope.”
“Can’t Mom do it though? The White House is the most heavily guarded place in the world!”
“Your mother can’t do this, Billy. She’s far too eccentric.”
“Well, if you say so. I’ve never been a hero before.”
“You’ll do fine! Here, take a look at what you’ll be flying there…”
Chapter 3
La Casa Blanca
Outside the White House, five men stood guard. Though they were supposed to be closely monitoring the perimeter, they were all texting and listening to music on their iShauns. They were so distracted from this that they didn’t even see the helicopter heading straight towards them. CRAAAAASH! From the flames and rubble emerged a lone figure.
“My name’s Billy, grandson son of Bill, and I’ll save this land, that I will!” said Billy, rhyming as he spoke. He walked up to the White House and entered through the front door.
Once inside, Billy looked at the convenient map mounted on the wall. “Let’s try to find where Shaun could be. Ah! Floor 2, room 33.” Billy began his ascent up the stairs.
Billy finally reached Shaun’s locked door. He knocked politely.
“Go away!” came a voice from the room. Billy knocked again.
“I’m busy!” said the voice again. Billy wound up and successfully delivered a punch to the locked door, breaking it clear off its hinges. Billy looked in and saw Shaun on his computer.
“Oh dear!” exclaimed Shaun. “Looks like I’m gonna have to cut this short, 2-D wife,” he said to the computer.
“Sayonara, Shaun!” the computer replied. The screen turned dark and Shaun turned to his intruder. “Hey, what’s the big idea, kid?” Shaun asked Billy. “Didn’t you read the sign? Today’s supposed to be my off day with Yui here!”
“You think that I care about that? I’ve come down here to have a chat.” Billy countered. “The reason I’m making such a fuss, is because you’re hiding the truth from us!”
“What? Why are you…” Shaun paused with a blank expression. “Oh no… OH DEAR!!!” Shaun jumped up from his chair and ran to a door in the corner. Billy pursued him, saying, “Stop there Shaun, you won’t get away! I’ll find what you’re hiding by the end of the day!”
Billy made it inside the door before it slammed shut, but there was no sign of Shaun anywhere. There was, however, a staircase leading underground. Billy walked down and found himself in a large room. Everywhere there were gallons and gallons of Shauter rushing through. “So much Shauter is dangerous, I know. But where am I supposed to go?” he thought, even rhyming in his own mind. Billy looked around and located a small bridge leading to another door. Billy decided to waltz over when a low rumbling could be heard. It slowly got louder. Then, from the depths of the Shauter, rose a gigantic mummified creature.
“Who daaaaaares to distuuurb Pharitaoh?!” boomed the creature.
“Who are you, you ugly cad? Are you good or are you bad?”
“Veeeery bad, I assuuuuure you! Yooooour grandfather aaaaaaand I used to beeeeee business paaaartners, you knooooow. Buuuut his methoooods were outdaaaaated. When I triiiied to maaaake our compaaaaany more efficient, heeeee buried meeeeee in the desert! What thaaaaat fool forgooooot, though, is thaaaat I’m a muuuuummy! I waaaaas built for thoooose places! So I suuuuucked up all of the waaaater from the faaaaace of the Earth and becaaaaaame giant! Yoooour friend Shaaaaun has beeeen keeping meeeee housed here in exchaaaange for some of my waaaaater, or Shaaaaauter as he caaaaaalls it. A muuuutual relationshiiiiip!”
“Enough with the talk, it’s time to start!” said Billy. “You should-”
“CUT!!!” yelled the director. “UGH! Guys, I hate to do this to you, but we’re going to have to do the entire movie again.”
“What?” asked the actor playing Billy, whose real name was Felipe Pepperoni. “Did we do something incorrectly?”
“No,” replied the director. “Apparently the entire subject of the movie has to be changed. Now we have to do a movie about the fishing industry instead of one about water conservation. Here, I’ll change the water to fish… and I’ll change Pharitaoh to a giant trash monster that ate them all… okay, we’ll refilm the other parts later. Let’s just continue from where we left off, just replace all uses of the word ‘water’ with ‘fish’. All right, let’s start again. Lights, camera, ACTION!”
“Enough with the talk, it’s time to start!” said Billy. “You should quit now, if you’re smart!”
“Neveeeeer!” said the trash monster. It was then that they engaged in battle.
*DUE TO TIME CONSTRAINTS, FIGHT SCENE HAS NOT BEEN INCLUDED*
“Well, that fight sure tired me out,” Billy sighed. “Let’s follow Shaun to learn what this is about.” Billy finished his trek across the bridge and reached the door. He entered the room, without knocking this time. Upon entering, he saw Shaun playing a video game.
“OH! DODGED THAT ONE!” Shaun yelled out excitedly. Billy coughed, causing Shaun to turn around. “Oh no, not you again!” Shaun said. “Can’t you just leave me alone?”
“No, you fiend. Now tell me why, you would sell fish for prices so high?” Billy asked.
“I needed that money to support my gaming habits!” replied Shaun. “We presidents get nice houses, but we’re virtually penniless! I’m sure you could understand?”
“No, not really, you crazy goon. But all of this shall end real soon.” Billy grabbed Shaun by the collar and dragged him back up to the White House garden.
Cut to A Different Rest Home, 80 Years Later, After the Serum Has Worn Off
“...and that’s how I brought fish back to the world,” said Billy.
“Wow, Grandpa Billy!” said Billy’s grandson, Beck. “You’re the coolest!”
“I know I am. Now, I think it’s time you were off, no?”
“Aww, ok. Bye, Grandpa!”
“Goodbye, Beck.” After Beck left, Billy got up and went to the window looking over a lake. “Aaaahh… The world is so much nicer with fish.”
CUT!!!
Prologue
Long, long ago, before your time, child… our lovely world was filled with this stuff. It was a beautiful thing, this stuff. Blue as the sky, cold to the touch. The ripples it made when you threw a rock in…all of it gone. Now all we have are these lousy supplements. Just wish I could remember what the ripply stuff was called...
Chapter 1
Outside a Rest Home
“Billy!” a woman yelled, “Are you finished with Grandpa Bill?”
“Yeah, Mom,” replied a boy from the door of the rest home, who you, the reader, should presume to be Billy. “He was just rambling on about his government conspiracies again.”
“Oh, give him a break, honey. He’s old.”
“Alrighty, can we just head to McBlubba’s now?”
His mom sighed. “Okay, Billy.”
In The Car
Billy and his mom were listening to some music, when it suddenly fizzled out and a voice could be heard.
“Hello, people of Earth! It’s your favorite President, Shaun Blacksmith!” said Shaun Blacksmith. “I’ve been working to make our planet a better place. You may be wondering, ‘Gee, Mr. President. Shaun Inc. has made everything! How could they innovate any more?’ Well, I’m here to tell you about my newest invention. I call it… Shauter. Blue as the sky and cold to the touch, this glorious product has all the functions of a Shaun Supplement, but with added pleasure.”
“Huh, I swear I’ve heard something like that before,” Billy muttered.
“Shauter. It’s just better! Buy at your local retailer for only $79.95 a gallon.”
“Did you hear that Billy!?” Mom exclaimed. “That’s a bargain! We need to go get some right now!”
Shaunmart
People from everywhere were lined up to buy this new product. A small sample table, crowded with people, was set up near the cashier. Due to Billy’s small size, he was able to slip past everyone. What he saw there was unlike anything he had witnessed before. A bowl was filled with a substance that shimmered against the lights of the ceiling. Was this the Shauter? He reached out his hand to touch it, when…
“Hey kid! No hands in the Shauter!” yelled the man behind the counter. “Get outta here, see?” The man grabbed a tickle tazer and shot at Billy. Billy soared out the door.
A while later, Billy’s mom came marching out with a tub full of Shauter.
“Come on, honey!” she exclaimed. “Let’s get home so we can figure out what we’re supposed to do with this!”
“I was tazed by someone in there!” Billy yelled.
“Uh huh, that’s great sweetie. Now load this up!” Billy took hold of the tub and threw it into the backseat. “The things I have to do,” he thought.
At Home
“Alright. It says here you can eat it. Or go in it. Or rub it on yourself. Or stick it in -”
“Booooring. Mom, this is just another one of those ridiculous fads. It’ll be out of style in a month. And how can you be acting like this after I was TAZED?”
“C’mon, Billy. Have some enthusiasm for once!”
“UGH! You are TERRIBLE!” Billy yelled as he stormed out of the house.
Chapter 2
The Rest Home
Billy couldn’t take it. He decided that it would be best to calm down at the rest home and talk to Grandpa Bill. Billy walked up to Bill’s door and gave it a knock.
“Come in!” Bill yelled. Billy obliged. “Billy! Come give your grandpappy a hug!”
“Not now, gramps. I’m all depressed cuz Mom’s obsessed with this new ‘Shauter’ nonsense.”
“Shauter? What’s that?”
“Here, I’ll show you,” Billy said as he pulled up a video on his iShaun.
“Billy, that’s… oh my god… Billy, come with me.” Bill walked over to the closet in the corner of his room. He opened it and entered, beckoning Billy to follow.
“Um, no thanks,” Billy said in response.
“I’ve got peppermints in here,” Bill said back. That got Billy going. He rushed into the closet after Bill.
“Where are the mints?” Billy questioned. Bill did not respond. Instead, he pressed a button on the closet wall.
“LIFTOFF INITIATED,” a mechanical voice said as the closet began to shake. “5, 4 -”
“WHAT’S GOING ON?!” Billy yelled.
“- 2, 1, LIFTOFF.” At that moment, the closet began to lift off the ground. Billy was pinned to the floor, as the speed of the closet was too much for him to keep up with. After a couple minutes of this, Billy was able to get back up.
“GRAMPS! WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!”
“Look outside, child.” Billy took a look outside the door.
“WHOA!” Billy gasped. “How are we able to breath up in space? And how did we even get here?”
“This is my secret closet rocket. I call it the Clocket. It’s based off of a very, very old model called the Bizrocket.”
“Bizrocket? You just made that up!”
“No, Billy. Here, we’re about to land. I have much to show you.” The Clocket began to slow down as it approached a large asteroid. A giant hidden door opened on the asteroid’s surface that the ship descended into. Once inside, it landed in its small docking bay. The asteroid’s door closed behind it, as only the Clocket has the power to sustain life when one of its hatches are open.
“Come, child,” Bill said as he exited the ship.
“Grandpa, you got a lot of explaining to do! Where on Earth are we?”
“Nowhere on Earth, child. This is my top secret asteroid base.”
“Asteroid? Secret base? What do you need any of that for?”
“This is my ‘Conspiracy Comet’! I built it in secret with the money I acquired from my old recliner company, Bizco. I had it made in case Shaun tried anything! I completely forgot about it until you jogged my memory with that Shauter. Those Shaun Supplements must have erased everyone’s memories of water!”
“Well, what do you want me to do up here?”
“You must infiltrate the White House. I’ve got an experimental BizSerum up here that will help you. It’ll make you strong, but you’ll be unable to speak without rhyming.”
“Heh, you’re kidding, right?”
“Nope.”
“Can’t Mom do it though? The White House is the most heavily guarded place in the world!”
“Your mother can’t do this, Billy. She’s far too eccentric.”
“Well, if you say so. I’ve never been a hero before.”
“You’ll do fine! Here, take a look at what you’ll be flying there…”
Chapter 3
La Casa Blanca
Outside the White House, five men stood guard. Though they were supposed to be closely monitoring the perimeter, they were all texting and listening to music on their iShauns. They were so distracted from this that they didn’t even see the helicopter heading straight towards them. CRAAAAASH! From the flames and rubble emerged a lone figure.
“My name’s Billy, grandson son of Bill, and I’ll save this land, that I will!” said Billy, rhyming as he spoke. He walked up to the White House and entered through the front door.
Once inside, Billy looked at the convenient map mounted on the wall. “Let’s try to find where Shaun could be. Ah! Floor 2, room 33.” Billy began his ascent up the stairs.
Billy finally reached Shaun’s locked door. He knocked politely.
“Go away!” came a voice from the room. Billy knocked again.
“I’m busy!” said the voice again. Billy wound up and successfully delivered a punch to the locked door, breaking it clear off its hinges. Billy looked in and saw Shaun on his computer.
“Oh dear!” exclaimed Shaun. “Looks like I’m gonna have to cut this short, 2-D wife,” he said to the computer.
“Sayonara, Shaun!” the computer replied. The screen turned dark and Shaun turned to his intruder. “Hey, what’s the big idea, kid?” Shaun asked Billy. “Didn’t you read the sign? Today’s supposed to be my off day with Yui here!”
“You think that I care about that? I’ve come down here to have a chat.” Billy countered. “The reason I’m making such a fuss, is because you’re hiding the truth from us!”
“What? Why are you…” Shaun paused with a blank expression. “Oh no… OH DEAR!!!” Shaun jumped up from his chair and ran to a door in the corner. Billy pursued him, saying, “Stop there Shaun, you won’t get away! I’ll find what you’re hiding by the end of the day!”
Billy made it inside the door before it slammed shut, but there was no sign of Shaun anywhere. There was, however, a staircase leading underground. Billy walked down and found himself in a large room. Everywhere there were gallons and gallons of Shauter rushing through. “So much Shauter is dangerous, I know. But where am I supposed to go?” he thought, even rhyming in his own mind. Billy looked around and located a small bridge leading to another door. Billy decided to waltz over when a low rumbling could be heard. It slowly got louder. Then, from the depths of the Shauter, rose a gigantic mummified creature.
“Who daaaaaares to distuuurb Pharitaoh?!” boomed the creature.
“Who are you, you ugly cad? Are you good or are you bad?”
“Veeeery bad, I assuuuuure you! Yooooour grandfather aaaaaaand I used to beeeeee business paaaartners, you knooooow. Buuuut his methoooods were outdaaaaated. When I triiiied to maaaake our compaaaaany more efficient, heeeee buried meeeeee in the desert! What thaaaaat fool forgooooot, though, is thaaaat I’m a muuuuummy! I waaaaas built for thoooose places! So I suuuuucked up all of the waaaater from the faaaaace of the Earth and becaaaaaame giant! Yoooour friend Shaaaaun has beeeen keeping meeeee housed here in exchaaaange for some of my waaaaater, or Shaaaaauter as he caaaaaalls it. A muuuutual relationshiiiiip!”
“Enough with the talk, it’s time to start!” said Billy. “You should-”
“CUT!!!” yelled the director. “UGH! Guys, I hate to do this to you, but we’re going to have to do the entire movie again.”
“What?” asked the actor playing Billy, whose real name was Felipe Pepperoni. “Did we do something incorrectly?”
“No,” replied the director. “Apparently the entire subject of the movie has to be changed. Now we have to do a movie about the fishing industry instead of one about water conservation. Here, I’ll change the water to fish… and I’ll change Pharitaoh to a giant trash monster that ate them all… okay, we’ll refilm the other parts later. Let’s just continue from where we left off, just replace all uses of the word ‘water’ with ‘fish’. All right, let’s start again. Lights, camera, ACTION!”
“Enough with the talk, it’s time to start!” said Billy. “You should quit now, if you’re smart!”
“Neveeeeer!” said the trash monster. It was then that they engaged in battle.
*DUE TO TIME CONSTRAINTS, FIGHT SCENE HAS NOT BEEN INCLUDED*
“Well, that fight sure tired me out,” Billy sighed. “Let’s follow Shaun to learn what this is about.” Billy finished his trek across the bridge and reached the door. He entered the room, without knocking this time. Upon entering, he saw Shaun playing a video game.
“OH! DODGED THAT ONE!” Shaun yelled out excitedly. Billy coughed, causing Shaun to turn around. “Oh no, not you again!” Shaun said. “Can’t you just leave me alone?”
“No, you fiend. Now tell me why, you would sell fish for prices so high?” Billy asked.
“I needed that money to support my gaming habits!” replied Shaun. “We presidents get nice houses, but we’re virtually penniless! I’m sure you could understand?”
“No, not really, you crazy goon. But all of this shall end real soon.” Billy grabbed Shaun by the collar and dragged him back up to the White House garden.
Cut to A Different Rest Home, 80 Years Later, After the Serum Has Worn Off
“...and that’s how I brought fish back to the world,” said Billy.
“Wow, Grandpa Billy!” said Billy’s grandson, Beck. “You’re the coolest!”
“I know I am. Now, I think it’s time you were off, no?”
“Aww, ok. Bye, Grandpa!”
“Goodbye, Beck.” After Beck left, Billy got up and went to the window looking over a lake. “Aaaahh… The world is so much nicer with fish.”
CUT!!!